This So Called Awakening; or The Answer to Question #4

A while back I asked my papi how he defined kinky sex. He said simply "sex I enjoy." I laughed, thinking he was being his goof ball self, but actually he was being serious. I thought about it some more and realized that I had always thought of kinky sex as being something that other people did. Not me. I think of kinky as being anything outside "the norm." Therefore, if I do it, it is norm, at least in my world, and therefore decidedly not kinky. Ergo, I always have been and always will be vanilla!

Of course, most of my life someone or other would have considered one thing or another about my sexual proclivities kinky. Oral sex. Check. Homosexual sex. Check. Anal sex. Check. Afterall, it is all relative isn't it? But I really don't feel kinky at all. Sure, I like to be pinned down, tied up, gagged, spanked and have my hair pulled hard... but really when it comes right down to it I just want to be loved and touched and adored. What is so kinky about that?

But, to more accurately answer the question I think you are posing, it was only in the past year or so that I began to understand the depth of my need to be dominated. At its' heart I think it stems from my longing to give over my control and to trust someone else to take care of me. This, of course, harks back to my fucked up childhood where I never really had the experience of being cared for to begin with. I always had to be very much in control and look out for my own well being since no one else was gonna do it. Now, as an adult, I find it very liberating to relinquish that responsibility even if only for a brief moment. Of course I understand that ultimately I alone am responsible for myself. But, when I am surrendering fully, the weight of that huge burden is shared by another and then, just for a moment, I am not crushed by it.

As far as what made me "change my sexual behavior" well, I suppose it was a gradual awakening that was the result of lessons learned from each previous experience.

It was the need for clearer communication about sexual needs and desires that I learned when Elle left me after five years without ever confessing her sexual longings until it was long past too late.

It was the need for being "steered" that I learned when Rob would fuck me like he was driving the fuck.

It was the need to allow myself to feel completely vulnerable that I learned the minute Prince wrapped those ropes around me.

It was the need to be wanted for my fuckableness that I learned from Mr. B.

And of course the need to have every last cell of my body explode from the intensity of sensation that my papi has taught me.

Actually, I feel like I'm still in the midst of this so called awakening and I have no idea what my sexual desires will be in a month, a year, or ten years. Hence, the moniker: curious pussy.