The Science of Lonliness
I did indeed wait. What else does a girl like me do?
Besides, I knew my anger and hurt was, in large part, coming from inside me. True, he hadn't returned my calls or texts. True, he hadn't reached out to me since the night I arrived. True, it was a shock to discover him sitting on the couch with another lover when I had no idea she would even be at this event. But the pain I was feeling was coming from some place deeper than all that. His actions were just fueling it.
It was an awful weekend. Dark and lonely. The kind that makes you want to disappear. To just check out. After trying, unsuccessfully, to meet new people, or even connect with old ones, I gave up. Perhaps my energy was repelling people in some energetic fashion. It's possible. Maybe every electron in my body was spinning out a negative force pushing away all the happy, positive protons in everyone else. Or maybe it was my bad hair scaring people off. Who knows? All I know is I was lonely and sad and felt like a loser around all the happy people having fun with each other.
On the final day, the day Papi was to come to me, I just couldn't stand to be in my own body anymore. I went for a long walk but when I got back my room was still empty. I forced myself to take a nap and when I woke up I was still alone. I tried calling and texting and still nothing. I was in so much pain I just wanted to be gone. Asleep. Unconscious. Dead. Anything not to have to feel so lonely - so unimportant - another minute.
Besides, I knew my anger and hurt was, in large part, coming from inside me. True, he hadn't returned my calls or texts. True, he hadn't reached out to me since the night I arrived. True, it was a shock to discover him sitting on the couch with another lover when I had no idea she would even be at this event. But the pain I was feeling was coming from some place deeper than all that. His actions were just fueling it.
It was an awful weekend. Dark and lonely. The kind that makes you want to disappear. To just check out. After trying, unsuccessfully, to meet new people, or even connect with old ones, I gave up. Perhaps my energy was repelling people in some energetic fashion. It's possible. Maybe every electron in my body was spinning out a negative force pushing away all the happy, positive protons in everyone else. Or maybe it was my bad hair scaring people off. Who knows? All I know is I was lonely and sad and felt like a loser around all the happy people having fun with each other.
On the final day, the day Papi was to come to me, I just couldn't stand to be in my own body anymore. I went for a long walk but when I got back my room was still empty. I forced myself to take a nap and when I woke up I was still alone. I tried calling and texting and still nothing. I was in so much pain I just wanted to be gone. Asleep. Unconscious. Dead. Anything not to have to feel so lonely - so unimportant - another minute.
posted by Curious Pussy at Wednesday, November 15, 2006
6 Comments:
I know that feeling all too well... I just keep trying to remind myself that I can't feel the emotional highs... without accepting the lows as well...
Hang in there! Glad to see you posting!
It might even not have anything to do with you. It might be the interaction of people and personalities. I know what it is like to be in a really dark place and not be able to notice the colors around you. I hope you find something to reach for soon. Keep moving forward. Kasey
I can relate!
I have been thinking about it.. and I have come to the conclusion that girls like us do have other choices... We can say, GO AWAY! and we can find other men to spend our time and efforts on. The internet in particular is looking for men who are interested spending time with passionate, interesting women like us! Screw those who want to make us hurt and feel bad about ourselves.
Sorry about the rant... hope you are feeling better!
Hey, you haven't posted in a while now. Hope everything's okay!
Your writing is fantastic.
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