A Year in the Life
It was a year ago April that I started this blog. Odd, it seems such a long time ago. Usually, these days, time goes by so quickly; like I spin slower and slower with each passing year so everything else around me appears to whiz by that much faster. But I feel as though this blog and I have been going at it for ages.
I started this blog in an effort to get to know myself better; as an outlet to explore my desires, my needs. And I've found, when it comes right down to it, what I want is this: to love and to be loved. That's pretty much it. Sure, I want honesty and passion and adventure. Challenges and edginess and intensity. Companionship. Sex. Sensations and sweetness and silliness. But the thing under it all is love.
The thing is, I have most everything I want except the companionship part. That's what has been missing. When Papi is with me I feel so grounded; like this is what has been missing. It isn't even the sex. It's more the joy of having someone to share things with. Share my food. My thoughts. My body. My joy. My pain. My life. That's what I long for. That's what I need.
Is that so bad? I feel guilty for wanting companionship so intensely. The message I grew up with is that I should be enough. I should never need anyone besides myself. And for all these years I pretended that was true. I was like a rock. Even in my relationships I never allowed myself to need anyone or anything. To need affection. To need respect. To need to be loved. That's why I like being a sub so much - it is a safe place for me to get what I need and not feel guilty for it. Even now, with this confession, I feel like if I were more mature, more advanced, more enlightened, I wouldn't need anything except myself.
Anyway. It is hard to be 40 and just figuring this out. I think most people go about it the other way around. They just jump into the whole love/relationship thing when they are young and then as they get older realize the need to individuate and be more independent. Hence, lots of the people I meet now are interested in NOT being in a relationship just when I'm interested in the opposite. It sucks being a late bloomer.
I started this blog in an effort to get to know myself better; as an outlet to explore my desires, my needs. And I've found, when it comes right down to it, what I want is this: to love and to be loved. That's pretty much it. Sure, I want honesty and passion and adventure. Challenges and edginess and intensity. Companionship. Sex. Sensations and sweetness and silliness. But the thing under it all is love.
The thing is, I have most everything I want except the companionship part. That's what has been missing. When Papi is with me I feel so grounded; like this is what has been missing. It isn't even the sex. It's more the joy of having someone to share things with. Share my food. My thoughts. My body. My joy. My pain. My life. That's what I long for. That's what I need.
Is that so bad? I feel guilty for wanting companionship so intensely. The message I grew up with is that I should be enough. I should never need anyone besides myself. And for all these years I pretended that was true. I was like a rock. Even in my relationships I never allowed myself to need anyone or anything. To need affection. To need respect. To need to be loved. That's why I like being a sub so much - it is a safe place for me to get what I need and not feel guilty for it. Even now, with this confession, I feel like if I were more mature, more advanced, more enlightened, I wouldn't need anything except myself.
Anyway. It is hard to be 40 and just figuring this out. I think most people go about it the other way around. They just jump into the whole love/relationship thing when they are young and then as they get older realize the need to individuate and be more independent. Hence, lots of the people I meet now are interested in NOT being in a relationship just when I'm interested in the opposite. It sucks being a late bloomer.
posted by Curious Pussy at Sunday, May 28, 2006
9 Comments:
we're all late hunny - you know what they say. Better late -then...
I don't think it's unusual to want to be in a relationship..so don't be so hard on yourself. Know what you want and follow your own desires, not someone else's. There are others that want to be in a relationship also..they are around.
Thanks you guys. You're great! You remind me why I like blogging so much!
c.p.
You're back [again] ^_^
Wow, a whole year. I haven't been around here since the start of your blog- but I have enjoyed reading what I've read so far.
Don't feel guilty for wanting someone the way you do. I'm sure that everyone- who hasn't already found it- wants the same thing- and that's including me. If I were to say otherwise, I'd be lying.
I know I'm still "young" but I'd like to believe that I understand the feeling of just wanting to love and be loved.
"It sucks being a late bloomer." Don't worry about it- I believe everything happens for a reason. I'd like to believe that you will or have already met the person who will fulfill this need of yours: love.
Keep your head up. You’re a lovely person, CP. Everything will work out for you :)
~K
Who is to say you got it wrong... I am 40 also.. but married since I was 23 and I am finding that even though I technically have the companionship I am really alone. Every major crisis of my adult life I have tried to track down my companion... and end up handling things myself. Maybe you have it right...
Thank you for brining that up, it's been lingering around the back of my mind since my divorce began; my wife being more the rule and me claiming an exception, much like you.
I'm curious: do you see a difference in reactions based on sex?
I don't buy the "reason for everything" line, but take comfort from this if you can: Better to bloom late than to burn out early. As I close in on 40 I only seem to get better, like I'm actually coming into my own and everything before was just a rehersal. Could this also be true for you?
There is absolutely nothing wrong in the way you are. To seek companionship is only human, and to go against the other post, “Every major crisis of my adult life I have tried to track down my companion... and end up handling things myself.” That’s because their partner isn’t being a partner, their just being independent. They feel that way because the partner isn’t sharing the duties.
Your response and feelings are very normal because of what society at the time has taught. You have probably spent the majority of your life repressing those emotions. You’ll find that many people are in difficult emotional situations similar to yourself. Your bondage fetish (though very normal and sexy) can be classified as an expression of inner emotion, but I’m not getting into sexual psychology/sociology, it’d take forever. Plus, I don't have a MD...yet.
(Oh, the knotty things I could do to a woman such as yourself, and the time I would take doing them…)
You’re a very brave women and I can feel the heartache in your words. If you can admit to yourself that you feel this way and you feel that there’s nothing wrong with it; then no matter what, it’s normal because it's self descovery.
I hope this helps...and isn't weird.
I'm afraid Raymond I'm not really sure as to what you're asking when you say "difference in reactions based on sex." I guess my only thought is that I don't see differences based on sex as much as on gender. I think masculine identified people tend to interact with the world very differently then feminine identified people. And where you fall on that continuum has little correlation with what is between your legs.
As for Anonymous, you once again convince me of the value of leaving the anonymous posting feature activated on my blog. Your comments were timely and much needed this morning. Thanks for making a lonely woman feel a little more connected in this life.
c.p.
I will be starting a new job today, in another department and location. I hope to find flickers of companionship and even passionate moments that chip the hard protective coating built up over the years of self-preservation. I'm 49, divorced for 10 years after 19 years of marriage, never knowing for sure that this longing to not be alone in the secret places of my heart could even be approached, except in the spiritual world.
As I approached 40 years, unbenounced to me, I was falling in love, for the first time in my life, with a coworker that I could tell was very curious about my subtle confidence that allowed me to expose my vulnerable weakness. At the time, I was not desperate, at all, more enjoying the freedom from expectations of intimacy in my marriage that I let rob me of contentment.
C.P., I find your vulnerability very refreshing and attractive. Its like having a few moments of being with that idealistic childhood friend where you can say whatever comes to mind, and even things that are not even quite there yet, but its understood to be ok while trying to describe.
Trust. Its quite the turn-on, I think. I've had many'a fantasies, esp as a young teen, wanting to be bound while someone could secretly explore their own desires, while safely discovering my own. And as I got older, experiencing the fear of trust that hindered intamacy, I fantisized more of being able to prove I should be trusted, pleasing the blurry-faced prisoner that would never have acknowledged the inner longings without me, free from guilt of giving in as I took the blame by over-powering.
Outwardly, I'm not a dominating person by any means. But, when I know, in my heart, what is needed by someone that trusts me, I cannot resist... esp if that might secure a hope for that life-long desperation to be united, in the secret places of life. It seems like a curse to be alone, but I know it was not God's plan to be away from someone that favor's us, even though we do not deserve it. To be joined, united, as one... I might be disappointed, but I'm not alone, completely.
I think the disappointment of past is what drains the anticipation for true intimacy in this world... as I have passed my prime in life. But that doesn't mean I quit thinking about what might happen... oh... its late... gotta go to work... new job.
thanks
Joe: JWiLL13 yah
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