Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT


Way, way back - or what seems like way, way back anyway - when I first started this blog, I was encouraged by our dearly departed Unfurling to post pictures of myself. The thought alone made me faint. Sure, there is the pesky little issue of anonymity - which I've said before is more for the protection of my partners than myself - but as long as I'm being honest with you all I might as well confess that the real underlying issue is that I just don't feel like anyone would find my body sexy or beautiful.

I've always been a big girl. Ever since I can remember my boobs were more droopy than perky (they're on a slow migration to my arm pits as a girlfriend in college once described them). And my tummy is lopsided and droopy too. I'm covered in stretch marks and I don't even have big tits or a plump ass to make up for my lack of curves. I've always struggled to love my plump droopy self. My smart brain gets it - that there are no "good" bodies or "bad" bodies - but my dumb brain doesn't. On the surface of it I come off as confident and comfortable in my body. But it doesn't take much digging and poking to see there's a lot more to the story just under the surface.

This past year has been an interesting one in that I've both gained a lot of self confidence in myself as a sexual being and I've also lost some as well. It has been wonderful to find that there are lots of people out there who enjoy having sex with me. But it has been heart breaking as well to realize that it is indeed still true that the majority of folks would never consider a fat chick beautiful. Sure, they might fuck me. Sure, they might like fucking me. They might even like me. But chances are they don't like fucking me, or like me, because they think I'm hot.

Now, before you go and correct me, before you reprimand me for my self doubt, consider this: I have had exactly two lovers tell me that I am beautiful. Papi and Chico. And we all know that Chico was lying like a rug. So that leaves Papi. Now, I know that other lovers have loved me. And even enjoyed having sex with me. And perhaps found me attractive. But the fact that I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I've only heard "you're beautiful" from one qualified lover, well, that says a lot. It is kind of hard to tell yourself you're beautiful, and to believe it, when you're (almost) the only one saying it. The irony is that I find chubby chicks to be really hot. Just not myself.

This stuff goes way back. To play grounds and buss stops and best friend's backyards. Back to the boy I lost my virginity to. My highschool sweetheart. He was skinny as a stick and grungy and sort of funny looking but I adored him and thought he was incredibly sexy. After we made love for the first time, my first time, he turned to me and said "don't you think it's special that I love you even though I don't find you attractive?" Uh, yeah?

Anyhow, a few weeks ago I was thinking about all those bloggers out there who post on HNT and wishing for the life of me that I could find one plain, middle aged, chubby chick joining in the fun. Fuck but I would love to see a plain, middle aged, chubby chick HNT webring! I considered posting a picture of myself, but then I thought better of it. I figured those of you who read my blog might get more into the stories when you can imagine me to be in the body of your liking. But you know, the whole point of this blog is to be able to share my struggles as well as my joys... and there are times when the things that bring me joy are the very things I struggle with. Like my body.

Then tonight, peeking around at new blogs through linking to links on the sites of those of you who have left comments here, I came across Dave's pictures of Am in her maid outfit and I thought "finally, a body I can relate to!" And when I read Dave's comments on Am's comments the disconnect resonated deeply. When Papi looked into my eyes and told me I was beautiful the first time we made love I thought surely he was lying even though he had absolutely no reason to. I had already given myself to him without a struggle, as he likes to point out, so what was there to gain? But it is so deeply ingrained in me, this feeling of ugliness and unworthiness, that I couldn't imagine that he could simply be speaking his truth.

Occasionally I have moments when I feel sexy or beautiful or even just acceptable. But they are few and far apart. I would like some day to have a whole hour of feeling beautiful. Then maybe a whole day. A whole week. A month. A year. But for now I would settle for a few minutes every Thursday.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It all looks beautiful from here

January 05, 2006 11:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your writing is beautiful and I'm glad to hear that you're not a svelt young thing. My job surrounds me with the girls who represent the Maxim ideal. I willingly go home to read about you. Your writings are so honest and you show such a willingness to provide a peak into your private life. To hear that you're older and wider only adds icing to your cake in my opinion.

January 06, 2006 6:31 AM  
Blogger vatum & vixen said...

Great post. I am thoroughly chastised and ashamed of myself.

Here are a couple of other beautiful girls, like you.
http://lushlyalive.blogspot.com/
http://babyspanks.blogspot.com/

Like you and in addition to being beautiful, they are also good writers/storytellers.

January 06, 2006 12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and if i could, i would look into your eyes every thursday and tell you how beautiful you are...you're my good girl (even though you wear my pink slippers without asking first!)

love, papi

January 06, 2006 1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't see any evidence of what you're saying in that photo, c.p...

C'mere, bend over and let me spank that sweet ass of yours..

*twhack*

Better? :)

January 06, 2006 3:50 PM  
Blogger Curious Pussy said...

"Older and wider"

I like it!

Thanks everyone for being so swell. You added a whole nother minute to my moment of beauty!

c.p.

January 06, 2006 7:49 PM  
Blogger Osbasso said...

I would encourage you to jump feet first into HNT! If only for one time. With only one or two rare exceptions, you'll find more damned positive comments than you'd know what to do with! But when you decide to join in, be sure to comment on my site on MY HNT! That's where everyone checks to see who's posted. And I think you'll find alot there that don't fit the airbrushed image that we all hate.

January 08, 2006 9:58 AM  
Blogger Curious Pussy said...

Thanks for turning me on to those sites V & V. So reaffirming to see real bodies enjoying themselves. Beautiful, strong, kinky bodies!

c.p.

January 09, 2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger Curious Pussy said...

Thanks for the encouragement osbasso. But which site do you mean? You have so many!

c.p.

January 09, 2006 10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this post of yours, although the work it made me do hurt a bit. I was poised to write the common "everyone is beautiful" crap but your forthright manner stopped me. Made me stop and honestly look at my tastes and feel a bit ashamed for some of the platitudes I may have uttered in the the past. I admire how you kept me from writing a superficial affirmation and got me to examine what I like and why. Gee, thanks. Stopped in for a read and now I have something to think about for the day.

February 06, 2006 6:51 AM  

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