On Why I'm Agnostic

Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there's some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. It means thinking there's always going to be a babysitter available when we need one. We all are inclined to abdicate our responsibilities and delegate our authority to something outside ourselves. Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.

from "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron


I guess this is just what being human is all about. You long for that hand to hold while secretly suspecting that ultimately there is none and all that is left is to submit to what is. I know it sounds sort of new agey and woo woo, but for me being a sub touches on that mystical experience. When I'm naked and exposed and at the mercy of my lover I can't help but to think that it is in the act of giving myself over to the unknown that I am part of something bigger than me, something that will care for me and make sure my needs are met even when I don't know what they are.

A Year in the Life

It was a year ago April that I started this blog. Odd, it seems such a long time ago. Usually, these days, time goes by so quickly; like I spin slower and slower with each passing year so everything else around me appears to whiz by that much faster. But I feel as though this blog and I have been going at it for ages.

I started this blog in an effort to get to know myself better; as an outlet to explore my desires, my needs. And I've found, when it comes right down to it, what I want is this: to love and to be loved. That's pretty much it. Sure, I want honesty and passion and adventure. Challenges and edginess and intensity. Companionship. Sex. Sensations and sweetness and silliness. But the thing under it all is love.

The thing is, I have most everything I want except the companionship part. That's what has been missing. When Papi is with me I feel so grounded; like this is what has been missing. It isn't even the sex. It's more the joy of having someone to share things with. Share my food. My thoughts. My body. My joy. My pain. My life. That's what I long for. That's what I need.

Is that so bad? I feel guilty for wanting companionship so intensely. The message I grew up with is that I should be enough. I should never need anyone besides myself. And for all these years I pretended that was true. I was like a rock. Even in my relationships I never allowed myself to need anyone or anything. To need affection. To need respect. To need to be loved. That's why I like being a sub so much - it is a safe place for me to get what I need and not feel guilty for it. Even now, with this confession, I feel like if I were more mature, more advanced, more enlightened, I wouldn't need anything except myself.

Anyway. It is hard to be 40 and just figuring this out. I think most people go about it the other way around. They just jump into the whole love/relationship thing when they are young and then as they get older realize the need to individuate and be more independent. Hence, lots of the people I meet now are interested in NOT being in a relationship just when I'm interested in the opposite. It sucks being a late bloomer.